4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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