too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
