My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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