This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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