he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
