dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
