so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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