my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
