he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
