I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
