New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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