Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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