so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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