he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
