Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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