Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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