Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
