she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
