if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
