Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
pray to the hookup gods
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
