I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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