I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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