okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i will never coherently bang her
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
