Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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