Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
