thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
