ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
