Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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