Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
