we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
