the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
