Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
