Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
