how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
