My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
