your room smells of hookers.
And success
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
