so let's talk penis.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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