it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
