who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
In other news, I just burned my penis
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
