I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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