If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
