If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
