i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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