i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
