why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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