"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Randomize
