I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
