I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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