My liver just broke up with me...
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
