My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
