Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
