I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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