I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
